


A Reflection

by orphan_account



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Introspection, Mention of Malachite, Recovery, Trauma, mention of Jasper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 05:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11154990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Lapis thinks about her relationship with the sea.





	A Reflection

**Author's Note:**

> I needed a fresh start.
> 
> This isn't a relationship fic. Really, if anything, it's me trying to get back into writing, practicing getting into the head of a character, working things out through that character. Probably throwing in some crappy symbolism.
> 
> I love Lapis as a character, and I hope you enjoy this little train of thought.

"All right. You and I are going to have a little talk."

I sat down just far enough so that the late-night tide couldn't reach me. The sand barely shifted beneath me. I hunched forward with my arm resting on my raised knee, and I stared into the sea-- not the far-flung horizon, whose attention I could only grab by yelling, nor the tide, which was already loud and gurgling and bubbly, but the area sort of in between. You know, where the water comes up to your waist and the waves are peaceful by the time they reach you. I felt like that part would be the better listener.

"... Wait, this is insane." I raised my palm to my face and squeezed my eyes shut. "Lapis, you're literally talking to _water_." I shook my head and turned it skyward, staring at the stars through the cracks between my fingers. "I guess it's no worse than talking to myself, though."

I let my arm drop. The night sky was always beautiful in Beach City. It gets all muddied the closer you get towards Empire City, what with all the lights, but, right where I sat, it made for a perfect little distraction. I could just let my eyes wander and trick myself into thinking that I was thinking at all. And then I caught sight of the star that meant Homeworld.

My attention snapped back to the sea.

Right. I was going to say something.

I looked into the in-between of the sea, and I--

The tide came in and washed away, and the sound was like static on Peridot's television. 

I squinted into the in-between of the sea, and I--

It was in my head. I hated the static. I could feel it when I woke up and couldn't force myself to fall asleep because I didn't need to and the television had been left on with nothing playing-- a numb I could feel in my skin, in my ears, in my gem, and it felt like a crack and glass and not being able to move, and it sounded like the rushing current going past ears that weren't mine, couldn't be mine, can't be mine, won't be mine, never again, I hated it, just like I hated her, and I hated myself for hating her, and the tide, the tide, washing away, washing away--

" _Shut up!_ "

I was trembling.

I realized that the sound of the tide was gone. Then I realized that my hand was outstretched, and my palm was a sign of warning that forced the tide to stop.

I stared at my hand, then the tide, and I let them both fall.

I hugged my knees.

My shoulders were heavy, like I was slowly being crushed by a power far greater than my own-- no. By my own power.

I was all too familiar with my own power.

"You're a monster," Jasper had said. Sometimes, I thought she was right. Sometimes, I wondered how much of Malachite was her and how much of it was me.

I felt, at that moment, the weight rebound on me, and it felt like everything was tensing up-- like I was collapsing in on myself-- like I only felt once before, when I was Malachite. I remembered that Steven once told me what drowning was. I wondered, in that moment, if _this_ was what it felt like.

The tide came in closer and brushed against my foot. I pulled away, stopped for a moment, and let the tension go.

"I'm sorry."

I wasn't speaking to any one part of the sea. I spoke to the whole.

I stood up, took a few steps forward, and sat on my knees further down the beach. I felt the tide wash over my legs-- gentle. Amazingly gentle. I leaned forward as the tide came in and looked into it. I almost expected to see Malachite staring back up at me, but I saw myself instead. I saw my eyes without a hint of glassiness, my blue face without a hint of green, and my messy hair without a hint of me actually putting in the energy to fix it.

I smiled a little at that.

I scooped up a bit of tide and played with it in my hands. I watched the stars' light ripple on its surface. I lifted the water and cleaned my face with it. The salt felt refreshing, like a release of pressure. Like forgiveness.

I knew in that moment that Malachite was zero parts me and all parts Malachite.

I reached out towards the sea, and I began to move the waves-- and then I stopped. No. I wasn't going to force the waves to move. I was going to move _with_ them.

I stood up, summoned my watery wings, and took off, gliding just above the sea. I let my hand fall and part the waves, and the waves followed behind it, lifting to meet my hand. I smiled and lifted my hand, and the waves followed. I spun, and the waves spun with me, twirling around me. I reared upwards, and the water rose in spiraling tendrils behind me. I took a nose dive, and the water fell away below me. Within my own little pocket of the sea, I laughed and spun around and danced, and when I rose up above the surface, floating through the sky, I admired the churning sea and the gem-sparkling of the stars' reflections.

"You know," I said, "You're a pretty good listener."

I stayed with the sea until dawn broke, and then I went to shore, towards the temple, to pay Steven and the other Crystal Gems a surprise visit.

When my feet hit the sand, I stood to my full height and listened to the tide behind me, coming in and washing away. It sounded like the sea was breathing.

I remembered that Steven once said something about the beauty of life on Earth.

I smiled and walked towards the temple. I felt the sea in every step.


End file.
